My life is perfect.

My life is perfect.

My life is perfect
(Although not quite
As before when nothing was
Wrong and everything was
Perfect)

Last

(and will be edited--)

You're not supposed to say it casually when there's a blockage in your heart and you can go any time soon.

I will not be prepared to lose you.

I only feel Christmas because of the chill in the wind.

You do make things seem more important than they really are.

It's official. I don't own my life.

Maybe you should think that about me because maybe that is who I am. In fact, I don't really know anymore, so just go ahead, you're probably right anyway.

---

Just let me hit rock bottom so I'd stop falling already.

Yesterday was a day just like any other. I went to Katipunan for rehearsals which I was not fully into but got thrown over a table nevertheless. Ended up in a garage sale and tried to drop in on some old friends and new friends too, but ended up staying and buying a round of drinks for my jokes that yielded dead air. Hey, I can't help it if I have inside jokes between me and myself. Played Rockband again for the third day in a row and for some reason I can't escape this game, which makes me think that I lead a too usual life, that of a Ateneo college student and I'm not sure if that's a good thing yet.

I've put the brakes on my life ever since the break started, not thinking too much. Actually, I've been putting off thinking. I try with a lot of might to ward off thoughts that result to contemplating stuff because I'd rather be not in it for a while. I've been putting a pause on being pensive, but this doesn't seem to be working too much.

Yesterday was a day just like any other, except I got some thrill from meeting someone new and liking that someone for humor and being alike in bitterness and depth. Here's a toast to finding someone and having a shoulder to cry on, despite their being passed around, it's good to be imaginitive and not have a point or a punchline in some stories anyway.

I noticed that I'm a good friend of couple. I was thinking, if my couple friends got married, I wouldn't be sure where to station myself, as a friend of the groom or friend of the bride. Which led me to thinking about my current status before I could police myself, and I felt weird about being alone and not having anyone look for me when I'm not home by 2AM and when I've been awake for two days, at some point having fun from being a passenger in a car that was driven loudly and haphazardly, or probably bringing people to my apartment and playing Taboo and eating pizza and watching Rent yet again.

Yesterday was a day just like any other, and so was the other day. The night is young and so are we (but some people are not), so maybe today will be different. After all, maybe these are my glory days and I'm not even realizing it.

So my dad has been complaining about my brother. Says that he's spending too much time not being around which he thinks is because of a girlfriend. I don't know if my brother does have a girlfriend, but I do agree that most of his time is spent not being around. I can't really say much about it though, because I'm not around a lot either.

Around where, that's the question. I think this family has issues with staying in one place for a long time. I know I do. I don't know where home is, if it's a tangible thing, even. I don't like being caged into the idea of being somewhere for good. Thanks to my interminable, adventurous self, I'd rather be lost in a place exploring.

So maybe what my dad says about my brother is also directed towards me, only indirectly. It's kinda messed up because whenever I'm around, he's not and vice versa, so the only time we do get to spend together is the in-betweens when we talk about trivial stuff like my brother having a girlfriend.

I don't want to get to thinking about how things are fleeting and temporary, because that will set off other thoughts that I'd rather not have at the moment. I'm just enjoying doing nothing for the time being, doing physical activities now and then, checking my Multiply out of boredom and contemplating on baking brownies. Speaking of, I've been thinking about blogging on Multiply, but I'm just not comfortable with the idea of too many people reading what I think or how my day went, et cetera. Not a lot of people know my LJ so there's that plus I'm not sure if I'm even writing for an audience and not just to get this down on paper (not literally, of course) so it's no longer inside of me. I post photos there because from those people can infer what they want to, and I can let it be. Words mean so much more - to me, at least, and sometimes.

Yes, I cannot wait for the second semester to start so my life can be trivial again. Sometimes you just want to be not serious and not plan everything because they don't get carried out anyway and spontaneity is more fun and exhausting.

So here's to looking forward to other things, me being incoherent, random quotes from writers who have a cult following and paying a whole lot of money just to get to where you're supposed to be.

I want to be a better person.
But I am reluctant.
Everything is a performance.

---
What stops you?
He told me.
Do not be afraid.

I've been planning to write this entry dedicated to the end of the sem for a while now. So many things have happened, and I can't stop saying that because I know that there's still more to come. Right now, I'm overwhelmed with all the people that I've met, all the work I've done, places I've been to... and there are also moments that I want to relive, people that I've taken for granted, experiences that were missed and opportunities not taken.

I don't think I was ever as aware as I am now. Now, I am awake. I participate, even if there are times when I catch myself still observing and passing time. I'm beginning to realize that I shouldn't live with regrets. Sure, I still have them, but I'm learning. Two months ago, I turned seventeen. How different was I then from how I am now? I can't conclusively say, but I can say that things have changed.

I'm still getting by. I've been bumming around at home for the past few days, catching up with sleep, food, books, television and friends. I never fully understood what I unconsciously gave up for the fun and freedom of university and living alone in an apartment.

I'm looking forward to the next semester. Here's to the next... whatever that may be. People, places, moments, experiences. There's probably nothing life can throw that I can't handle. Hopefully. I like beginnings. They're easier than endings, but I'm not sure if they're better. We'll see.

This time we're not giving up, let's make this last forever.

When you're PMS-ing so badly that you end up cursing everyone but you still play Rockband.

When you procrastinate and sing instead of working on your paper that is due the next day.

When you try to make things better even if who you're trying to make better doesn't care.

When you get tickets to the UAAP Finals game of Ateneo-La Salle and it's your first game, while screaming your lungs out your team wins - one big fight.

When one of your best friends isn't in the Philippines and you can't send her an email because you don't know what to say yet you still try.

When you haven't been with the people you've wanted to be with for the longest time and still you can't because everyone's busy.

When the person you think you like and you think likes you apparently likes someone else.

When what you haven't thought about comes back to haunt you because time has a plethora of possibilities where it can repeat itself or nothing is temporary and you want to be at the center of time so everything just stops for a moment.

When you want to think of the people who are now gone.

When you spend your whole afternoon trudging through mud and getting lost around campus to find what you are looking for.

When you randomly burst into tears and not know what that's about.

When you go on sleepovers to assuage feelings of depression, being pathetic and alone, where you watch scary movies and eat like it doesn't matter that you haven't been to gym and you won't wake up early the next day.

When it's other people that get you through.

What's new?

Madilim.
Sandali lang.
Ayan ka na naman,
kung anu-ano sinasabi mo.
Nilalambing mo ako,
pero wala lang 'yun sayo.

Ganun ka naman kasi talaga, diba?
Kahit sa iba.
'Di mo lang alam,
Nakakapaniwala.
Ang galing mo naman,
Ang bilis mo mag-paasa.

Nakakatawa na nakakainis
Na yung mga bagay na bale wala sayo
'Di mo lang alam
Sa'kin, higit pa sa buong mundo
Tama nga yung sinabi nila
"Si...sino? Sinungaling ka."

Ayoko rin naman malaman...mo
Kasi nga baka hindi totoo
Kelan ka nga ba seryoso
May posibilidad nga ba
Ayan na, aalis ka muna
May ilaw na.

I've been told that I post a lot of angst on this journal -- I've probably talked about this before -- and I wasn't sure if I did, because I merely write what I feel and what I feel and think, I write. So I looked up angst on Google and the Urban Dictionary came up with pretty interesting, and hilarious results.

I thought that this tried to be deep, but maybe that's just me. Isn't angst german for anxiety?

The funniest one I found was:

Maybe I do have a lot of angst. I don't know why, maybe I'll never know. Just like how I'll never understand life, or the loss of it. I'm in a forever state of not understanding. For lack of a better word and my non-eloquence at this point, life is weird. It thinks things are funny, when, really they're not. Life has a weird sense of humor. (I really have to stop talking about life this way, lest I be refferred to as emo. Whatever, I think I need classes that tell me what to think so I can contradict them and be involved in some discussion where I can think about these things.)

But we get by. I like to imagine living as one of the theater games I used to play. You're running. Now, imagine a slight drizzle of rain. It rains harder, and soon enough, it is pouring. You walk through the flood. The flood, for some reason, turns into Jell-o. You wade through this, and while wading, the gelatinous substance becomes wet cement. You have to get out of it. You try to run, but each step is harder to take as your feet become stuck to the ground, and it is not your choice. The cement hardens. Freeze. Pose.

I know, I know. You cannot choose the circumstances that happen to you, you cannot control people, but you decide how you get there. How you respond is entirely up to you (or so they want you to believe).
If I have angst right now, it's only temporary. Like things, people, everything, it is fleeting. We empathize for those who have gone before us. They're gone, but we're still here, still alive. So, angst, for now. Tomorrow, who knows? I don't plan my life that far ahead.

We'll accept the things we cannot avoid, but only for now. Don't stress, relax - let life roll off your backs - except for death and paying taxes, everything in life is only for now.

Sometimes, you don't know what to do anymore.

There are too many things. They pile up; much like the cascades of clothes strewn around your apartment, which you do not have enough time to clean, too much like the books that you have to read, the photocopies of selections, and the downloaded files of alas, more readings.

Too many things. Most of the time you don't know what to do anymore.

You don't know what to do with yourself, with your time - with anything in your life. But you hang on, to what, you don't know. There's something, maybe it's just not tangible - yet.

You learn. First things first. It's not easy, but you try to make it worth all the effort, all the everything.

So even if you feel like you're a failure most of time, and you wallow in self-pity, misery, anguish, despair, all that - realize that it's going to be okay. This is the calm before the storm. Think to yourself, this is still freshman year.

I need a break. I'm too busy. But if being busy meant falling like this, I wouldn't want to be not busy, if you know what I mean.

In my three months of being a freshman college student, I've had four sprains, at least. I sprained my right index finger and my right knee both from playing basketball. I only got a three-point in for my Midterm, which was out of eleven points. I sprained my right ankle because I was walking half-asleep. It was really stupid, you'd think, who falls to the floor? My ankle got really fat and swollen so I had to wear bandages. Fast forward to working backstage for opening week of Otelo: as I run from stage right to stage left, I trip, land and sprain my already injured ankle. I went to school with crutches the next day.

Walking with a crutch makes you too conspicuous. People will always ask, "what happened?" To which I have an incredibly witty answer, "I fell."

I fall so much, yet I'm still not used to it. There's still that fear of falling. Not the fear of being up there, because I scale such great heights and I'm fine. I just don't like falling - it gives you too much of nothing, too much uncertainty, too much possibility. I look back and remember that sometimes, when you fall, you fly.

So if falling means you having to carry me, sure. If being injured entails you having to help me with my stuff, definitely. If my walking barefoot with merely a bandage would pressure you into offering your shoes, there's a possibility.

I'd be so damn kilig if I wasn't so out of it. I hope you like me too... because you know, we connect. Haha.

--No matter what happens, I'm never too busy for you.

Nevertheless, I need a break.

Dear you,

I started this entry with 'thank you.' I hit the backspace key and typed, 'you mean a lot to me.' I erase that again and I'm just here to say I can't tell you anything. Not that I don't trust you, not that I don't think we're close, not that I don't think you're worth it. No, none of that.

What I've felt towards you has been real. I've experienced anger, frustration, hope, dependence, and others in between.

I just can't find the right words.

My mouth doesn't comprehend and properly articulate what's in my mind. My thoughts race past my words like a runner on steroids in a dash marathon. I say what I don't mean and I end up offending you, but what I don't say is what I do mean - but words fail me.

They were all I had. My words, my circumlocutions, my double-meanings, my references. Or so I thought, until you told me otherwise. You told me that I had you, too.

Here's the thing: I'm afraid. I'm afraid of investing myself too much in something I know won't last. I know inevitability, and eventuality, to whom I have been good friends. I pull away before what's inevitable happens. It's a survival mechanism.

If I show you me, what happens when you leave? What happens to me?

But you said 'forever.' I want to believe you. I do. I'm taking it all in, day by day. That way, it won't hurt as much when what I'm dreading happens.

I know you will probably never get to read this, but there, I said it.

I'm trying. Please keep your end of the deal.

But if you don't, I won't blame you.

Love
me.

It's called confusion

I'm something
to you
but
I'm not
what I want
me
to be

I'm someone
to you
but
it's someone
else with whom
you want
to be

"I like you."

Telling people that I like them - that seems to be an apparent theme in my first few weeks of  college life. Before you judge me for being desperate and lest you think I throw myself at their feet, pause for a few seconds and consider other options. I've learned that you shouldn't always go for the obvious.

I won't go into too much detail, most especially the Hows (that's too excruciating. funny, sure, but utter torture, I assure you). But I can tell you that I didn't readily choose to... admit. Honestly, I'm not the most honest and direct person. I use words, stalling tactics, and of course (you don't really know me if you don't know this), denial to get myself out of sticky and/or Velcro situations. I don't get to the point if I don't want to make it. Like now, can't you tell? There are some situations though, that you can't pull yourself out of. Circumstance forces you to say what you mean, and mean what you say. There are some situations wherein, you don't really have a choice.


About choices, I've learned the hard way that it's okay to discern before you pick. In reality, this is what you really do, not dive in head first without checking how deep it is - what I almost always seem to do.

Who said life had to be a race? You've got to wait. Don't hurry. Don't run when you're asked to walk. Because you lose when you don't follow instructions. Not to mention you get tired for nothing.

Meant to be. I'm not sure if I believe in this concept. But right now, I think I'm where I'm supposed to be. In a way, I made it happen. I made it meant to be. So, waiting counts, but it also takes will - longing for something - and then working towards it. Especially if it's worth it.

So, I leave you with this: May today there be peace within. May you trust Jess that you are exactly where you are meant to be.

June 21st, Nine AM, Greenwich Mean Time (+8). From here on in, I shoot without a script. See if anything good comes of it. Instead of my old shit.

First shot -- blueREP, CTC 115. There was a voice, talking to me. I'd been trying to suppress it to one of my brain's deep recesses, but, as usual with these voices, I failed.

So, I did the audition. I was feigning confidence, nonchalance and bravery. It's hard to be three things at once. In fact, two more things too many for a room that echoes everything with good acoustics.

It went faster than the rain droplets did. Before I knew it, the screening was over. I walked out in a daze, paused, re-winded and replayed what just happened. I hope I didn't suck. Wait, no. I hope I didn't suck that bad.

I went past umbrellas, puddles, people. I didn't realize it was raining, I didn't realize I was getting wet, I didn't realize I was crossing the street. At that moment, they weren't real. With peripheral vision and motor skills, that's how I managed to stay uninjured.

I hadn't said anything. I didn't have anything to say, didn't have anyone to say it to. Not yet. Somehow, I ended up on the overpass - the one I wrote a really shitty first draft about - eating my cereal and carrying my Math book. I don't remember how I got to eating the cereal, I don't know why I bought the book. My mind has a way of knowing what I need, but it only does this with trivial things. If knew what (or who) I wanted, what I really needed, wow, I would be so much better off now.

I had to stop. I had stepped on a puddle, and my foot was soaked in (what I hoped to be) water. Fuck. Hello world, you win. I was conscious again.
--
It takes a ten minute audition to make me aware again... I ask myself where I am going. I don't know the answer. At least I asked, and maybe I can get somewhere.

I walk away alone, down the sidewalk, towards Jude, stumbling only a little from time to time. I zoom in and I see people from sometimes, walking the same chapter, awkwardly too.
--
This isn't a performance. Not yet. From what I've learned, I am trying to discover, trying to articulate. This is a feeble attempt at documenting life for that past few minutes. How I wish it was getting more like fiction each day. That way, it could follow a formula and I might just catch a happy ending.

Hindi ko alam
Iniisip mo, kung ano... sino
Ang tahimik mo kasi
Hindi ka masalita



Nakakainis dahil minsan
'Di tayo nagkakaintindihan
Gusto ko sana, kaya lang
Nakakapagod umasa
...with my luck? wag na

---
...and the air went stale with the things left unsaid.