My life is perfect.

My life is perfect.

My life is perfect
(Although not quite
As before when nothing was
Wrong and everything was
Perfect)

Last

(and will be edited--)

You're not supposed to say it casually when there's a blockage in your heart and you can go any time soon.

I will not be prepared to lose you.

I only feel Christmas because of the chill in the wind.

You do make things seem more important than they really are.

It's official. I don't own my life.

Maybe you should think that about me because maybe that is who I am. In fact, I don't really know anymore, so just go ahead, you're probably right anyway.

---

Just let me hit rock bottom so I'd stop falling already.

Yesterday was a day just like any other. I went to Katipunan for rehearsals which I was not fully into but got thrown over a table nevertheless. Ended up in a garage sale and tried to drop in on some old friends and new friends too, but ended up staying and buying a round of drinks for my jokes that yielded dead air. Hey, I can't help it if I have inside jokes between me and myself. Played Rockband again for the third day in a row and for some reason I can't escape this game, which makes me think that I lead a too usual life, that of a Ateneo college student and I'm not sure if that's a good thing yet.

I've put the brakes on my life ever since the break started, not thinking too much. Actually, I've been putting off thinking. I try with a lot of might to ward off thoughts that result to contemplating stuff because I'd rather be not in it for a while. I've been putting a pause on being pensive, but this doesn't seem to be working too much.

Yesterday was a day just like any other, except I got some thrill from meeting someone new and liking that someone for humor and being alike in bitterness and depth. Here's a toast to finding someone and having a shoulder to cry on, despite their being passed around, it's good to be imaginitive and not have a point or a punchline in some stories anyway.

I noticed that I'm a good friend of couple. I was thinking, if my couple friends got married, I wouldn't be sure where to station myself, as a friend of the groom or friend of the bride. Which led me to thinking about my current status before I could police myself, and I felt weird about being alone and not having anyone look for me when I'm not home by 2AM and when I've been awake for two days, at some point having fun from being a passenger in a car that was driven loudly and haphazardly, or probably bringing people to my apartment and playing Taboo and eating pizza and watching Rent yet again.

Yesterday was a day just like any other, and so was the other day. The night is young and so are we (but some people are not), so maybe today will be different. After all, maybe these are my glory days and I'm not even realizing it.

So my dad has been complaining about my brother. Says that he's spending too much time not being around which he thinks is because of a girlfriend. I don't know if my brother does have a girlfriend, but I do agree that most of his time is spent not being around. I can't really say much about it though, because I'm not around a lot either.

Around where, that's the question. I think this family has issues with staying in one place for a long time. I know I do. I don't know where home is, if it's a tangible thing, even. I don't like being caged into the idea of being somewhere for good. Thanks to my interminable, adventurous self, I'd rather be lost in a place exploring.

So maybe what my dad says about my brother is also directed towards me, only indirectly. It's kinda messed up because whenever I'm around, he's not and vice versa, so the only time we do get to spend together is the in-betweens when we talk about trivial stuff like my brother having a girlfriend.

I don't want to get to thinking about how things are fleeting and temporary, because that will set off other thoughts that I'd rather not have at the moment. I'm just enjoying doing nothing for the time being, doing physical activities now and then, checking my Multiply out of boredom and contemplating on baking brownies. Speaking of, I've been thinking about blogging on Multiply, but I'm just not comfortable with the idea of too many people reading what I think or how my day went, et cetera. Not a lot of people know my LJ so there's that plus I'm not sure if I'm even writing for an audience and not just to get this down on paper (not literally, of course) so it's no longer inside of me. I post photos there because from those people can infer what they want to, and I can let it be. Words mean so much more - to me, at least, and sometimes.

Yes, I cannot wait for the second semester to start so my life can be trivial again. Sometimes you just want to be not serious and not plan everything because they don't get carried out anyway and spontaneity is more fun and exhausting.

So here's to looking forward to other things, me being incoherent, random quotes from writers who have a cult following and paying a whole lot of money just to get to where you're supposed to be.

I want to be a better person.
But I am reluctant.
Everything is a performance.

---
What stops you?
He told me.
Do not be afraid.

I've been planning to write this entry dedicated to the end of the sem for a while now. So many things have happened, and I can't stop saying that because I know that there's still more to come. Right now, I'm overwhelmed with all the people that I've met, all the work I've done, places I've been to... and there are also moments that I want to relive, people that I've taken for granted, experiences that were missed and opportunities not taken.

I don't think I was ever as aware as I am now. Now, I am awake. I participate, even if there are times when I catch myself still observing and passing time. I'm beginning to realize that I shouldn't live with regrets. Sure, I still have them, but I'm learning. Two months ago, I turned seventeen. How different was I then from how I am now? I can't conclusively say, but I can say that things have changed.

I'm still getting by. I've been bumming around at home for the past few days, catching up with sleep, food, books, television and friends. I never fully understood what I unconsciously gave up for the fun and freedom of university and living alone in an apartment.

I'm looking forward to the next semester. Here's to the next... whatever that may be. People, places, moments, experiences. There's probably nothing life can throw that I can't handle. Hopefully. I like beginnings. They're easier than endings, but I'm not sure if they're better. We'll see.

This time we're not giving up, let's make this last forever.

When you're PMS-ing so badly that you end up cursing everyone but you still play Rockband.

When you procrastinate and sing instead of working on your paper that is due the next day.

When you try to make things better even if who you're trying to make better doesn't care.

When you get tickets to the UAAP Finals game of Ateneo-La Salle and it's your first game, while screaming your lungs out your team wins - one big fight.

When one of your best friends isn't in the Philippines and you can't send her an email because you don't know what to say yet you still try.

When you haven't been with the people you've wanted to be with for the longest time and still you can't because everyone's busy.

When the person you think you like and you think likes you apparently likes someone else.

When what you haven't thought about comes back to haunt you because time has a plethora of possibilities where it can repeat itself or nothing is temporary and you want to be at the center of time so everything just stops for a moment.

When you want to think of the people who are now gone.

When you spend your whole afternoon trudging through mud and getting lost around campus to find what you are looking for.

When you randomly burst into tears and not know what that's about.

When you go on sleepovers to assuage feelings of depression, being pathetic and alone, where you watch scary movies and eat like it doesn't matter that you haven't been to gym and you won't wake up early the next day.

When it's other people that get you through.

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